What I found really encouraging was that the boys still considered me one of them and were divulging their secrets as usual, commenting to one another, we can tell her because she is one of us. I was standing there feeling like a completely new person in my mind, sober, sane, and not foul mouthed with lascivious talk. Until I started talking they didn't exactly notice the change but when I told them I had stopped drinking for good and taken a vow of celibacy, I was pleasantly surprised at their response. They kept congratulating me and saying they were proud of me, etc. What I found most encouraging was that the next morning I had more than one person say that they were starting to think that maybe they should stop drinking and they weren't just saying that because they had a horrible hangover.
My favorite conversation took place with a guy I barely know whom I have hung out with maybe two or three times in San Diego and La. I doubt we have ever really had a conversation between just the two of us since we have been around each other in large groups and he always had a girlfriend. (I tend to not strike up conversations with guys who have girlfriends it just makes life easier with less drama.) It was probably around midnight and someone had brilliantly deduced that a second meal would be appropriate late at night since the wedding dinner took place around five.
We were standing around the hot from the oven Shakespeare's pizza and he asked me how I was doing. I think I responded with, “Great really, really, great actually, I am happier than I have ever been in my life!” He smiled and said jokingly, “Oh, what did you find God or something?” I excitedly responded, “Yes, exactly that!” I can't remember if he asked me if I was seeing someone or I just launched into my whole vow of celibacy spiel but either way I started explaining it. I told him how it kinda even blows my mind that I have decided if I ever were to get married again that I want to wait until after marriage to consummate it. And that while I consider sex an important aspect of a relationship and had once said to my virgin sister before her marriage (which scandalized her) “Don't you want to test drive the car before you buy it?” I came to the conclusion if God has someone planned for me, He will make us compatible in every way. And that if I was really putting my trust and faith in God I would believe that He has picked the right person for me in all aspects.
His response was so classic, “Don't you think there might be something wrong with putting too much faith in faith?” Wow, I jumped all over that. There is no such thing as putting too much faith in God, as putting too much trust in the Big Guy upstairs. Now I am not talking about asking God to feed you with ravens like Elijah and going out on a camping trip with no food. I am talking about having the faith that God always wants ultimately good things for you. Knowing and believing that can only be a good thing, it can help you see things in a different perspective. For instance I fell quite hard the other day in a restaurant on my way to the bathroom. I then had to stand up and talk to someone I was going to completely avoid but since I fell right in front of their table, I decided to stand there extra red faced and chat. (It was a slippery stained concrete incline, I had on platform sandals, and I'm a spaz)
Now I could assess that situation as horrible. Not only did I fall in front of 30+ people I had to have an even more humiliating conversation with someone from P.S. whom I would rather forget, since they represented all things sordid about my painted past. (P.S.=Pre-Surrender, as in before I wholly surrendered to Christ and changed my wicked ways) How is God going to use this? I am not really sure but I have faith that even though I fell flat on my face that He will. Through my disgrace He will give me grace. Through my ungracefulness He will give me poise under pressure in the future.
Maybe the Lord used it because I told all the people at the table I was sitting at the hilarious story behind the guy (it was the 18 yr old for anyone familiar with that story) and they needed to hear a little bit about me P.S. Since many of them have only known me A.S. (after surrender, uhh post surrender still has the same initials) I don't know how or why the Lord might use it but I have faith that whatever situation arises He can use it. He can turn my trash into someone else's treasure. In an inner healing class I attended they suggested that you let the Holy Spirit guide you to painful experiences in your past and then ask the Lord for healing. I envisioned Jesus, white robe and all carrying a bunch of black trash bags and taking them out to the curb. I kept asking Jesus to take out my trash. I thought about it later and thought often people go and pick up other peoples discarded stuff off the curb because it is desirable to them. So hopefully my trash can turn into other people's treasure.
Lord please use the garbage and trash in my past to help others in their struggles. Let me leave it behind and forgive myself and trust that you can use it for Your good. Please build up our faith in all things, dear Lord.
Colossians 3:5-10 “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.”
(3:12-15) “Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” (3:17) “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.” Amen to that!
Heaven helped me 5/31/08
Love Always,
A*
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