Scotch-guard

We are a combination of two unique sets of DNA and with nature and nurture we are determined in some part due to our chemical makeup and our upbringing. My DNA are often at war with each other and have opposing views and approaches on matters.

--- For instance I have these two polar opposites: from my fathers side Mr. Optimistic Gullibility and from my mothers side Ms. Negative Skepticism. These came into play the other day when I was befriended by a fellow shopper who told me I should definitely buy the cute wedge flip-flops I was admiring. I said well they are cute now but since they are white they will be dreadful when they are all dirty. Suddenly the sales woman pops out of nowhere and pipes up saying that she had bought that same exact pair for her daughter and had sprayed scotch-guard on them and they had stayed white all season long.

My DNA battled in which Ms. Negative Skepticism said, "The sales lady works on commission and is childless, the supposed random shopper is hired by the store, and scotch-guard causes cancer!" but Mr. Optimistic Gullibility said, "You can help the sales lady feed all her kids with her commission, the other shopper is right these are cute, scotch-guard can work wonders and everything "supposedly" causes cancer, right."

With much trepidation Mr. Gullibility won, with Ms. Skepticism making the stipulation that my parents had to already have scotch-guard otherwise purchasing a can of the carcinogen would throw the whole "they're on sale" rational out the window. My fear was unfounded- that the only can I might find would be one from 1979 rusting to oblivion in the garage because I found what appeared to be a new full bottle under the kitchen sink.

"It's serendipity", trilled optimistic, "you should definitely keep the shoes!" "It's a can of cancer that you probably bought when you lived here and left it, dingbat," skepticism grumped.
A few days later, after I got home from work around 9:30 pm and noticed that it was particular windy out so I thought it would be good time to spray down the shoes outside. My thinking being: More wind= less dry time.

Note to self: Don't try and spray known carcinogen in highly windy conditions.

No matter what way I stood it was downwind because a storm was rolling in and the winds were just whipping wildly in every direction. I saturated the shoes and hung them on a hangar somewhat precariously on the stair rail and went back into my condo. I then promptly forgot about them.

Therefore More wind=me getting more scotch-guarded than shoes + who cares about dry time because I completely forgot about them outside....

It wasn't until after 11:00 pm that I heard a loud thump noise outside my front door and went to investigate. It probably was the shoes falling off the railing and when I went to pick them up one of the shoes fell off the hangar and that part of the hangar then shot back towards me flicking a blob of scotch-guard directly into my left eye.

Yes, I know one of those one in a million, kinda things. I think at first I did the wave my hands frantically in front of my face while saying, "Oh no, oh no!" kind of thing. I started running, blind in one eye, back to my front door but then I remembered that my friend "Batty" the bat was hanging over the door. I always worry that excessive hand waving might cause him to suddenly dive bomb my hair and try and nest there or he might misinterpret my hand motions as ones for come on in and have a cup of tea. So I tried to regain some composure for Batty's sake and went inside and started flushing my eye.

I can safely say that I excessively flushed my eye so well that the other eye received quite a bit of flushing as well. Since all my makeup had long since left down the drain and it was nearing bedtime I decided to go ahead and apply liberal amounts of Clearasil. This is a white paste like substance, similar in consistency to toothpaste that prevents and treats acne and I applied large blobs to the many zits on my face. The results of which looked like the snow capped Alps majestically scattered around my visage. Staring into my blood red eyes I suddenly remembered what had caused their color and went back outside to get the shoes.

Ms. Negative offered her medical advice that, "You are going to go blind now all because you wanted white shoes, pride goeth before a fall, watch out for Batty, while you are at it, probably has rabies." Meanwhile good ole' Mr. Optimistic is singing softly, "Your shoes are now going to stay white all season long, just like her daughters and Batty is eating all the mosquitoes, hooray."
It's around 12:15 when I go out to pick up the shoes and notice that it is finally starting to rain. This reminds me that I should sprinkle the grass seed on the bare patches in my yard. I go inside and get a ever versatile Shakespeare's cup, go in my laundry room, fill it with grass seed, go back outside and sprinkle it. I keep repeating this praying for Batty to leave me alone until it dawns on me to just bring the whole bag outside. Mid sprinkle, listening to the rain, I decide I am finally going to mess with my neighbors drain pipe that isn't connected properly with the black corrugated plastic drain. I walk by it daily and it always bothers me but I have never fixed it and now that it is raining seems like the time.

I am squatting down, fiddling with it, when suddenly I am blasted with lights. My next door neighbor bursts from her car as I am standing up, blushing and bashful to have been illuminated in a rather embarrassing posture on her side of the condo, messing with her stuff. I don't know my neighbor at all and our paths very occasionally cross. She hasn't lived there very long and I guess her to be in college, early twenties.

Since it is now after midnight ,around 12:30 she is fresh from the bar, actually no one is ever fresh from a bar more like bleary eyed, wobbly and bubbly but cute as can be in a little, shiny, outfit. I mumble out, "I'm sorry I was just fixing your drain pipe there, I didn't want you to think I was weird or something."

As soon as the words came out of my mouth.....I was like Uh Oh....Mental assessment....Mental assessment...of what I currently looked like:

Mental Check List:
Left eye very red and currently oozing, check. Right eye, red and watery (not as scary), check. Face covered in white mountains of Clearasil, check. Right hand holding cup full of grass seed, check. Odd outfit of ugly t-shirt now coated in scotch-guard, check. Batty currently not residing in hair, (thankfully) check. Standing outside at 12:30 at night sprinkling grass seed in the rain and fixing neighbors drain pipe, check. Me weird, check.

To cover my embarrassment I explain that I think she might have squirrels trying to live in her drainpipe because I see them around the opening all the time and making all kinds of noise there. At this exact moment her friend arrives in an equally small outfit carrying a bottle of alcohol half her size and gives a slurry hello. My neighbor starts absolutely freaking out to her friend about my squirrel theory and how she knew squirrels were living in her drain and nobody would believe her and everybody thought she was crazy and she is going to call her dad right now and tell him. I just kinda stood there and then went back to sprinkling the rest of my grass seed while the two girls loudly went inside.

I started laughing to myself because in the state they were in they didn't even notice how weird I appeared. And as a matter of fact I also thought she sounded kinda crazy when she got so excited about the squirrels living in her drain pipe. I hope she didn't wake up her dad.

Mr. Optimistic Gullible happily concedes that the shoes will bless whoever purchases them by staying white all season long as if by magic, because I returned them. Ms. Negative Skepticism worries that Batty and the squirrels are plotting a takeover and maybe I should scotch-guard a perimeter around my yard to keep everything clean but it would never work....

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:37-38

1 Peter 3:8-9 "Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." 1 Peter 3:8-9
Lord help us not to judge ourselves and others, let us forgive each other for their past transgressions and forgive ourselves for our pasts as well. Let us become new creations in You, Lord, help us to be more like you, Jesus.

Heaven helped me 7/13/08
Love Always,
A*