Expectant

~“Hope writes the poetry of the boy, but memory that of the man. Man looks forward with smiles, but backward with sighs. Such is the wise providence of God. The cup of life is sweetness at the brim—the flavor is impaired as we drink deeper, and the dregs are made bitter that we may not struggle when it is taken from our lips.”~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was walking through the grocery store the other day and they must have had the soundtrack to a good movie playing through the sound system. The music corresponded to some really touching part of the movie, it was uplifting and expectant. Maybe the actors were leaning in for the first kiss, running to freedom or finally found their lost child. Whatever scene it went with the music was preparing you for something wonderful to happen. Something beautiful you were wanting, waiting or hoping for was finally happening or about to.

I thought to myself, so this is the soundtrack to my life right now, so what is about to happen? I kinda peeped around wondering if a knight in shinning armor was about to barrel down the cracker aisle at me. My heart started beating a little faster, who knows what might happen, who I might run into or see. I didn't know, but I was expectant.

Guess what? Nothing exciting happened. There was no smooching in the aisles, no long lost friend found and no sale on Ben and Jerry's ice cream. (that would have been something at least)

The only thing of mild interest was the interchange I had with the store manager. I had once given him a hearty “God bless you.” Ever since it's like he really looks at me, looks me in the eyes and when he asks me how I am doing seems genuinely interested. It's as if suddenly the Tin man had grown a heart and instead of the robotic gestures and hollow greetings previously, his heart is finally in them. I have noticed sometimes he wears a small gold cross on his lapel so he must have a relationship with Jesus.

I don't really know anything about this man, his life or anything beyond the fact that he seems to work to much. He is always at the store, no matter what odd hours I appear. I don't even know his name, but I do feel real meaning in the small words we do share.

As I am sitting here trying to figure out why I am crying writing this, I think it is because the grocery store has been a bad place for me for a long time. When I was overcome with depression I would end up there wandering the aisles filling my cart, trying to fill the hole in my heart.

My relationship with food isn't fully mended, even though I am putting my eating disorder behind me now. There will always be an undercurrent of love and hate. I am working on it, waiting for my food passions to abate. Ever always the work in progress. More of my food periods are healthy these days. Picasso had his blue period, I have my food periods. They are blocks of time where I become obsessed with one particular food item and eat it almost every day for weeks. Most recently there was the edammae era, sweet potato fries epoch, pop tart time, and the latest is the age of hummus.

It was actually on a journey for more chick peas for another batch of hummus when I heard the music that stirred my soul. Maybe the expectancy should be that with each trek to the store, more and more healing will happen. Each time a random person reaches out and shows real caring and makes me feel good at the grocery a little more ground is claimed. And soon, always hoping for sooner, my fetters with food will be loosened and lost.

Job 11:13-18 "Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.”

~“Hope, child, tomorrow and tomorrow still, And every tomorrow hope; trust while you live. Hope, each time the dawn doth heaven fill, Be there to ask as God is there to give.” --Victor Hugo ~

Lord let hope spring up every morning with the dawn and faith fill me completely. Please guide my hands, heart and mind to focus on food for my soul instead of empty earthly pursuits. Let me trust in You and rest in You, Your words and promises. Destroy all the destructive chains that bind us and set us free to live wholly healed in You, dear Lord.

God bless you,
Love Always,
A*

Heaven helped me 11/5/08

P.S. Right before I sent this I decided to make sure I was spelling the title correctly and here is what I found:
Expectant----Definition:anticipating
Synonyms: alert, anticipative, anxious, apprehensive, awaiting, breathless, eager, expecting, hopeful, hoping, in suspense, looking for, on edge*, on tenterhooks, prepared, raring*, ready, vigilant, waiting, waiting on, watchful, with bated breath
That is totally what I want to be for more of what God wants to show me, give me, grant me, bless me with, whenever, wherever and with whoever!