Dark Days

Since high school I have experienced periods of depression. I call them dark days. It is like someone sneaks up behind you, suddenly bags your head in burlap and tosses you in the trunk of a car and drives off. You are then stuck there, lying in the dark, cramped and uncomfortable, barely breathing, wondering where you are going and when are you ever going to get out.

Sometimes.

Or sometimes you buy the ticket yourself purchased with your sin, you purposefully walk up and punch the kidnapper in the face and say, “bag me baby, I want to cry in the dark forever”...sometimes.

What I mean by this is sometimes I just feel depressed out of no where, no cause, no reason and no easy solution. Other times I feel like I choose it. It starts with a string of bad choices and then the guilt and regret start dragging me down and I chose to wallow in my despair. Either way they are dark days full of isolation and general malaise. I don't want to talk to anyone, go anywhere or do anything and ironically all of these things would really help me feel better.

Why I am revealing this to you, well this past week I was depressed. What was especially annoying to me was I had this great epiphany the previous week realizing, WHEN YOU HURT YOURSELF YOU HURT EVERYONE WHO LOVES YOU. DON'T DELUDE YOURSELF INTO THINKING THAT WHAT YOU DO ONLY AFFECTS YOU!

For instance my depression hurts more than just me. It hurts my family when they see me that way. It hurts my friends when I don't call or want to spend time with them because I don't want to leave my hidey hole of gloom and doom. When I thought about this, it just made me more depressed realizing my sadness was seeping into all my loved ones when they saw my mournful mug. I generally look really, really rough when I am not doing well. Imagine the cartoon dog Droopey with an afro. My annoying habit of playing with my hair becomes incredibly amplified when I am down and usually results in hugeness of hair.

One of the thoughts especially plaguing my mind was that by admitting to my self that I was depressed I was admitting failure since I had chatted with the Lord about my issues with depression and had told myself that I was not allowed to be depressed any more. Admitting that I was depressed was therefore admitting defeat. And I feel like by accepting that I am depressed there must be something wrong with me, as in I must not be doing well in my relationship with the Lord if I am down.

When I read in 1 Samuel 16:14-15 “Now the Spirit of the LORD had departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the Lord tormented him.”... “Saul's attendants said to him, "See, an evil spirit from God is tormenting you.” 16:23 “Whenever the spirit from God came upon Saul, David would take his harp and play. Then relief would come to Saul; he would feel better, and the evil spirit would leave him.” I instantly thought of my depression and when I brought up this passage to my mom the very first thing she said was Saul was depressed, it was a spirit of depression. ................WHAT, but it says it came from God???????

I am not a theologian, expert, scholar, or divinity know it all, so I am just throwing some things out there, please keep that in mind. If God had sent the spirit to Saul, I tried to see what might be a positive and or what good resulted from this. Because of the evil spirit, Saul searched for someone to play soothing music for him and David was suggested. Therefore this is the beginning of the long and difficult relationship between Saul and David. So I too started to look at the good that might come out of me being depressed.

There is a scripture passage where someone says something along the lines of, “My sins are always before me.” I get phrases stuck in my head and this one had been there for a couple of days, it might have been from Hosea 7:2 “Their sins engulf them; they are always before me.” I am not sure. The other day though in my head it changed into, “My desperation is always before me.” In complete and utter despair, my depression eventually gets to a point of desperation and I have to cry out that “I can't do it anymore, you have got to help me.” This is exactly what God wants from us all the time. He always wants us to acknowledge the reality of our own weaknesses and ask, desire and allow ourselves to really depend on Him. This is kind of one of those “easier said than done” concepts. Unlike in mortal love relationships, I think being so clingy and desperate is charming and attractive to God. It is right where He wants us.

This writing has been added to probably on three or four different occasions over the past 5 months. I go to it when I am depressed hoping to complete it. Each time though I have some realization or epiphany that brings me out of my Debbie downer days and then I never end it and send it. I think, also that I have not wanted to send this because it's personal and not something I am proud of. I once went up for prayer for it and when I told the person why I was up there they said, “What you, be depressed, but you are so happy all the time.” So maybe I don't want to dispel the image that people have of me being happy. The truth is you don't see me when I have the BIG D because I am hiding at home.

One of the scriptures that powerfully changed my perspective in some of my past dark days was when I read the following account about David and Goliath.“ Meanwhile, the Philistine, with his shield bearer in front of him, kept coming closer to David. He looked David over and saw that he was only a boy, ruddy and handsome, and he despised him. He said to David, "Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks?" And the Philistine cursed David by his gods. "Come here," he said, "and I'll give your flesh to the birds of the air and the beasts of the field!"

David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give all of you into our hands." I Samuel 17:41-47

I think this is soooooo powerful. When I read this I was so hit that my depression is my own personal Goliath, and I know that if I “come against it in the name of the Lord Almighty, that I can strike it down and cut off it's head. I can stand over the carcass of my depression in triumph and kill it with strength that comes only from the Lord. But I have to believe, know and have the faith that this “battle is the Lord's and I need to put it into HIS hands and entrust it to Him.”

Lord we know that with you, nothing is impossible, there is no mood, feeling or frustration that can not be conquered with Your help. Please lead me quickly to a place of desperation where we see that we ALWAYS need to rely on You and Your strength. Remind us constantly that there is no Goliath that You can't kill, that there is nothing in my life that can't be overcome in victory. Shine Your light Jesus, in all our dark days and help us to share and shine that light for others as well.

Heaven Helped Me 1/5/09-5/7/09
God bless you!
A*