"As we offer our small rejoicing For the love that surrounds our days, All the wonderful works of Thy goodness Shall open before our gaze; Through the gates of our narrow thanksgiving We shall enter Thy courts of praise." --Annie J. Flint
A couple of days ago I spent some time with two of my ten-year old friends. I often ask them what is the favorite part of our time together when I am taking them home. I want to get an idea of what they especially enjoyed and file it away mentally for future reference. Usually everybody has something different that is their favorite part and it typically involves laughing.
My favorite part this past time was when we all gave imitations of our mothers. It started because as Serena* was telling a story about her mom she was doing a great impersonation of her accent and dialect. It was a dead on duplication of her, which made it absolutely hilarious to me. I have always thought she was good at mimicking but I hadn't heard her do an impersonation. It so tickled me that I did my own rendition of my dear sainted mother.
When I tell a story and talk in the voice I use for my mother it is not an actual representation of how she talks or sounds - -- -really. It is probably, more accurately, how she sounds in my head. Serena's impersonation of her mother sounded just like her and since her mom is from Rwanda she has a very distinct vocabulary and accent. I guess it should be also mentioned that for the both of us our mothers were yelling/nagging in our pretend dialogs.
After I was finished I turned to the other girl and said, “Okay it's your turn you try to imitate your foster mom.” She shyly looked down. I said, “Well, if I know your mom she probably doesn't really get mad, so what is something she says often.”
She perked up at that and said, “Oh I know, I know, okay here goes," She tilted her head and in a very sweet voice said, “Maybe next time honey, maybe later.”
It was perfect, absolutely perfect. I am positive that she has to hear that all the time because that little girl is not afraid to ask for the moon. She always has a great idea of what she would like to do and unfortunately in the real world has to be told, "Maybe next time."
Haven't I heard somewhere that, "Imitation is the highest form of flattery".
I love my mother, thoroughly, completely and even when she is driving me crazy. She is in my top ten people I can’t live without list, because I don’t know what I would do without her in my life.
I am not a big fan of writing cards. I find it hard and painstakingly slow. Plus I have atrocious handwriting and pretty much always misspell something or leave out a word or goof in someway so that it is not attractive. I don’t mind writing here because, hello, it is all about me and I am the foremost expert on me.
Since I am the queen of procrastination and tend to put off anything I don’t want to do I think I gave my mom her birthday card last year super late. All it had in it was one sentence. I had thought and thought and thought about it, but it ended up I had a profound realization one morning and had decided to write just that in the card.
I had been praying about something the night before and when I woke up, lo and behold my prayer had been answered. My immediate instinct was to grab my phone and start dialing to tell my mom. I suddenly realized OOOOOHHHHH bad first instinct, pushed “end call” on my phone and dropped to my knees and started thanking God for hearing my prayer and answering it.
My mom called me back and asked why I hung up on her just as she answered the phone. I said, “So sorry I didn’t hear you answer and I realized that I needed to thank God first before I tell you my good news.”
I quickly told her and said I would call her back after I was done praying. After hanging up the phone I had my epiphany and this was all I wrote in the birthday card to my mom.
“You are my best friend.”
That says it all to me, shows my love, my respect, my desire to hang out with her and talk to her about everything. I love my mom. She was the first person I immediately thought of when I wanted to share something wonderful.
“Many favors which God gives us ravel out of want of hemming through our unthankfulness; for, though prayer purchases blessings, giving praise keeps the quiet possession of them.” ---Thomas Fuller
In keeping with that quote THANK YOU mom for everything you have done throughout my lifetime, for all the little and big things, for just being there and for having me and keeping me. For loving me and in a thousand little ways letting me know that I was loved. So Happy Mother’s day, all you mothers out there. No matter what you may be going through with your kids you never know what kind of relationship God might have planned for you in the future. Same to you kids as well, sometimes it is really hard to appreciate and understand all our mothers do for us. Because I certainly did not always feel this way concerning my mom, for a time it was quite the contrary, in my rebellious teen years. I remember counting myself lucky if I could get through a whole week avoiding talking to my mom. Now rarely a day goes by that I don’t talk to her via phone or email. I can only attribute this to all the mercy and forgiveness my Heavenly Father has poured down upon me because I have better relationships with Everyone, especially my mom.
Happy Mothers day, again. I love you Mom!
"May your father and mother be glad; may she who gave you birth rejoice!" Proverbs 23:25
Thank you Jesus, for all the mother's out there. Please bless them heartily! Give them encouragement and strength to continue on giving and giving to their children and to others. Please remind them, Lord, that even when they don't feel appreciated on this earth you are storing up for them treasures in heaven for all their sacrifices and endless toil. Remind the rest of us Lord to thank our earthly parents for all they do for us as well.
Heaven helped me 5/10/09
God bless you,
Love always A
*Named changed for their protection
Monday, May 11, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Dark Days
Since high school I have experienced periods of depression. I call them dark days. It is like someone sneaks up behind you, suddenly bags your head in burlap and tosses you in the trunk of a car and drives off. You are then stuck there, lying in the dark, cramped and uncomfortable, barely breathing, wondering where you are going and when are you ever going to get out.
Sometimes.
Or sometimes you buy the ticket yourself purchased with your sin, you purposefully walk up and punch the kidnapper in the face and say, “bag me baby, I want to cry in the dark forever”...sometimes.
What I mean by this is sometimes I just feel depressed out of no where, no cause, no reason and no easy solution. Other times I feel like I choose it. It starts with a string of bad choices and then the guilt and regret start dragging me down and I chose to wallow in my despair. Either way they are dark days full of isolation and general malaise. I don't want to talk to anyone, go anywhere or do anything and ironically all of these things would really help me feel better.
Why I am revealing this to you, well this past week I was depressed. What was especially annoying to me was I had this great epiphany the previous week realizing, WHEN YOU HURT YOURSELF YOU HURT EVERYONE WHO LOVES YOU. DON'T DELUDE YOURSELF INTO THINKING THAT WHAT YOU DO ONLY AFFECTS YOU!
For instance my depression hurts more than just me. It hurts my family when they see me that way. It hurts my friends when I don't call or want to spend time with them because I don't want to leave my hidey hole of gloom and doom. When I thought about this, it just made me more depressed realizing my sadness was seeping into all my loved ones when they saw my mournful mug. I generally look really, really rough when I am not doing well. Imagine the cartoon dog Droopey with an afro. My annoying habit of playing with my hair becomes incredibly amplified when I am down and usually results in hugeness of hair.
One of the thoughts especially plaguing my mind was that by admitting to my self that I was depressed I was admitting failure since I had chatted with the Lord about my issues with depression and had told myself that I was not allowed to be depressed any more. Admitting that I was depressed was therefore admitting defeat. And I feel like by accepting that I am depressed there must be something wrong with me, as in I must not be doing well in my relationship with the Lord if I am down.
When I read in 1 Samuel 16:14-15 “Now the Spirit of the LORD had departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the Lord tormented him.”... “Saul's attendants said to him, "See, an evil spirit from God is tormenting you.” 16:23 “Whenever the spirit from God came upon Saul, David would take his harp and play. Then relief would come to Saul; he would feel better, and the evil spirit would leave him.” I instantly thought of my depression and when I brought up this passage to my mom the very first thing she said was Saul was depressed, it was a spirit of depression. ................WHAT, but it says it came from God???????
I am not a theologian, expert, scholar, or divinity know it all, so I am just throwing some things out there, please keep that in mind. If God had sent the spirit to Saul, I tried to see what might be a positive and or what good resulted from this. Because of the evil spirit, Saul searched for someone to play soothing music for him and David was suggested. Therefore this is the beginning of the long and difficult relationship between Saul and David. So I too started to look at the good that might come out of me being depressed.
There is a scripture passage where someone says something along the lines of, “My sins are always before me.” I get phrases stuck in my head and this one had been there for a couple of days, it might have been from Hosea 7:2 “Their sins engulf them; they are always before me.” I am not sure. The other day though in my head it changed into, “My desperation is always before me.” In complete and utter despair, my depression eventually gets to a point of desperation and I have to cry out that “I can't do it anymore, you have got to help me.” This is exactly what God wants from us all the time. He always wants us to acknowledge the reality of our own weaknesses and ask, desire and allow ourselves to really depend on Him. This is kind of one of those “easier said than done” concepts. Unlike in mortal love relationships, I think being so clingy and desperate is charming and attractive to God. It is right where He wants us.
This writing has been added to probably on three or four different occasions over the past 5 months. I go to it when I am depressed hoping to complete it. Each time though I have some realization or epiphany that brings me out of my Debbie downer days and then I never end it and send it. I think, also that I have not wanted to send this because it's personal and not something I am proud of. I once went up for prayer for it and when I told the person why I was up there they said, “What you, be depressed, but you are so happy all the time.” So maybe I don't want to dispel the image that people have of me being happy. The truth is you don't see me when I have the BIG D because I am hiding at home.
One of the scriptures that powerfully changed my perspective in some of my past dark days was when I read the following account about David and Goliath.“ Meanwhile, the Philistine, with his shield bearer in front of him, kept coming closer to David. He looked David over and saw that he was only a boy, ruddy and handsome, and he despised him. He said to David, "Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks?" And the Philistine cursed David by his gods. "Come here," he said, "and I'll give your flesh to the birds of the air and the beasts of the field!"
David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give all of you into our hands." I Samuel 17:41-47
I think this is soooooo powerful. When I read this I was so hit that my depression is my own personal Goliath, and I know that if I “come against it in the name of the Lord Almighty, that I can strike it down and cut off it's head. I can stand over the carcass of my depression in triumph and kill it with strength that comes only from the Lord. But I have to believe, know and have the faith that this “battle is the Lord's and I need to put it into HIS hands and entrust it to Him.”
Lord we know that with you, nothing is impossible, there is no mood, feeling or frustration that can not be conquered with Your help. Please lead me quickly to a place of desperation where we see that we ALWAYS need to rely on You and Your strength. Remind us constantly that there is no Goliath that You can't kill, that there is nothing in my life that can't be overcome in victory. Shine Your light Jesus, in all our dark days and help us to share and shine that light for others as well.
Heaven Helped Me 1/5/09-5/7/09
God bless you!
A*
Sometimes.
Or sometimes you buy the ticket yourself purchased with your sin, you purposefully walk up and punch the kidnapper in the face and say, “bag me baby, I want to cry in the dark forever”...sometimes.
What I mean by this is sometimes I just feel depressed out of no where, no cause, no reason and no easy solution. Other times I feel like I choose it. It starts with a string of bad choices and then the guilt and regret start dragging me down and I chose to wallow in my despair. Either way they are dark days full of isolation and general malaise. I don't want to talk to anyone, go anywhere or do anything and ironically all of these things would really help me feel better.
Why I am revealing this to you, well this past week I was depressed. What was especially annoying to me was I had this great epiphany the previous week realizing, WHEN YOU HURT YOURSELF YOU HURT EVERYONE WHO LOVES YOU. DON'T DELUDE YOURSELF INTO THINKING THAT WHAT YOU DO ONLY AFFECTS YOU!
For instance my depression hurts more than just me. It hurts my family when they see me that way. It hurts my friends when I don't call or want to spend time with them because I don't want to leave my hidey hole of gloom and doom. When I thought about this, it just made me more depressed realizing my sadness was seeping into all my loved ones when they saw my mournful mug. I generally look really, really rough when I am not doing well. Imagine the cartoon dog Droopey with an afro. My annoying habit of playing with my hair becomes incredibly amplified when I am down and usually results in hugeness of hair.
One of the thoughts especially plaguing my mind was that by admitting to my self that I was depressed I was admitting failure since I had chatted with the Lord about my issues with depression and had told myself that I was not allowed to be depressed any more. Admitting that I was depressed was therefore admitting defeat. And I feel like by accepting that I am depressed there must be something wrong with me, as in I must not be doing well in my relationship with the Lord if I am down.
When I read in 1 Samuel 16:14-15 “Now the Spirit of the LORD had departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the Lord tormented him.”... “Saul's attendants said to him, "See, an evil spirit from God is tormenting you.” 16:23 “Whenever the spirit from God came upon Saul, David would take his harp and play. Then relief would come to Saul; he would feel better, and the evil spirit would leave him.” I instantly thought of my depression and when I brought up this passage to my mom the very first thing she said was Saul was depressed, it was a spirit of depression. ................WHAT, but it says it came from God???????
I am not a theologian, expert, scholar, or divinity know it all, so I am just throwing some things out there, please keep that in mind. If God had sent the spirit to Saul, I tried to see what might be a positive and or what good resulted from this. Because of the evil spirit, Saul searched for someone to play soothing music for him and David was suggested. Therefore this is the beginning of the long and difficult relationship between Saul and David. So I too started to look at the good that might come out of me being depressed.
There is a scripture passage where someone says something along the lines of, “My sins are always before me.” I get phrases stuck in my head and this one had been there for a couple of days, it might have been from Hosea 7:2 “Their sins engulf them; they are always before me.” I am not sure. The other day though in my head it changed into, “My desperation is always before me.” In complete and utter despair, my depression eventually gets to a point of desperation and I have to cry out that “I can't do it anymore, you have got to help me.” This is exactly what God wants from us all the time. He always wants us to acknowledge the reality of our own weaknesses and ask, desire and allow ourselves to really depend on Him. This is kind of one of those “easier said than done” concepts. Unlike in mortal love relationships, I think being so clingy and desperate is charming and attractive to God. It is right where He wants us.
This writing has been added to probably on three or four different occasions over the past 5 months. I go to it when I am depressed hoping to complete it. Each time though I have some realization or epiphany that brings me out of my Debbie downer days and then I never end it and send it. I think, also that I have not wanted to send this because it's personal and not something I am proud of. I once went up for prayer for it and when I told the person why I was up there they said, “What you, be depressed, but you are so happy all the time.” So maybe I don't want to dispel the image that people have of me being happy. The truth is you don't see me when I have the BIG D because I am hiding at home.
One of the scriptures that powerfully changed my perspective in some of my past dark days was when I read the following account about David and Goliath.“ Meanwhile, the Philistine, with his shield bearer in front of him, kept coming closer to David. He looked David over and saw that he was only a boy, ruddy and handsome, and he despised him. He said to David, "Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks?" And the Philistine cursed David by his gods. "Come here," he said, "and I'll give your flesh to the birds of the air and the beasts of the field!"
David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give all of you into our hands." I Samuel 17:41-47
I think this is soooooo powerful. When I read this I was so hit that my depression is my own personal Goliath, and I know that if I “come against it in the name of the Lord Almighty, that I can strike it down and cut off it's head. I can stand over the carcass of my depression in triumph and kill it with strength that comes only from the Lord. But I have to believe, know and have the faith that this “battle is the Lord's and I need to put it into HIS hands and entrust it to Him.”
Lord we know that with you, nothing is impossible, there is no mood, feeling or frustration that can not be conquered with Your help. Please lead me quickly to a place of desperation where we see that we ALWAYS need to rely on You and Your strength. Remind us constantly that there is no Goliath that You can't kill, that there is nothing in my life that can't be overcome in victory. Shine Your light Jesus, in all our dark days and help us to share and shine that light for others as well.
Heaven Helped Me 1/5/09-5/7/09
God bless you!
A*
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